Birthday Swag!

I figured that now the birthday gifts have stopped rolling in, it would be a good time to let you all in on the wonderful stuff I got from my family.

From Michelle:
Batman Begins (DVD)
PHP & MySQL for Dummies (Book)

Aunt Kathi & Uncle Rick:
$20 Wal-Mart gift card I used to buy Season 1 of X-Files on DVD

In-Laws:
Big Russ & Me by Tim Russert (book)
The Redwall Cookbook by Brian Jacques (book)

My father:
Grey Minnesota Vikings 2000 NFC Championship sweater
Purple Minnesota Vikings t-shirt
Yellow Minnesota Vikings cap

Overall, it was a great birthday. Not just for the stuff I got, but for the three or four birthday parties I had. Haha. Well, that and love and support from my family. I was really shocked to see the stuff from my father. Michelle and I had been speculating beforehand as to what he could be getting me since he doesn't know much about what I like and dislike. After opening the package, I remembered that he does know that I'm a Vikings fan. So at least there's that.

The X-Files DVD set is just perfect. Michelle and I have been watching that lately before bed. No aliens in my dreams... yet.

I'm excited about all the books I received. I'm anxious to start making some stuff from that cookbook. A lot of it looks delicious! Once I finish reading High Rhulain from the Redwall series, I'm going to read the Tim Russert book. Then I'll continue on in the Redwall books. I especially can't wait to start learning some of that PHP and MySQL. It'll definitely help my web design!

Until later,
Dan

Baby Smiles

I'd be a fool to say that none of this baby stuff is new to me. Sure, I've changed, bottle-fed, and burped a baby before, but it is entirely different when it's your own. When you change your own child, you hardly notice the smell. Love creates this barriers around our senses and emotions that were never there before. I've never felt like I was one to behold much patience, but with Benny, I have an infinite supply. A child changes your perspective completely.

At first, I thought the cutest thing Benny did was sneeze. Eventually, it was the way he held tightly to my finger or put his hand gently on my shoulder when he rested in my arms. These things still channel a wonderfully inexplicable feeling inside me, but now I have found something greater. Something so magical that it can cure a bad day or ward off tiredness. All because my son learned a new trick. He has been doing it for a while now, but I had contributed it to other causes like gas.

That's right. My boy has learned how to smile and coo. He had been doing it before, but now he does it for us and not a gas bubble. I found it hard to get myself moving this morning on my daily routine, because after laying Benny down on our bed and making idiotic faces at him, he smiled the biggest, cutest, goofiest grin in the world.

I LOVE being a dad. Most importantly, though, I love being HIS Dad.

Do Actions Dictate Title? Or Vice Versa?

What do you call a father that was never there? Certainly, you can't call him "Dad." That's a title reserved for someone that was there for you when you were growing up. Someone that -- despite distance and personal problems -- has made a valid attempt to be there for you either in person, over the phone, or by letter. Am I right in that assumption?

I understand that my father is trying to make an attempt now to be "Dad," but I still can't bring myself to call him that. I still have him saved on my phone as "Biological Father." I should probably feel horrible about this, but I don't.

My cell phone just rang. It was him, trying to call while I was at work, but I couldn't answer since I had been helping a customer. I'll call him back later, but it's just strange for me sometimes. This'll be about the ninth time we've talked to each other in the last 18 years or so. Most of these conversations have happened after my mom passed away 4 years ago.

That's another thing that I think keeps me from establishing a closer relationship to this "man." My mom had a huge fear that after she passed away we would all go crawling back to him. Two of my older brothers, Bob and Tom, have already rebuilt relationships with him and make frequent contact. Steve, however, is on the other side of the spectrum. To say my brother loathes our father would be similar to saying that the Taliban midly dislikes the United States. HUGE understatement. I relate this to Steve's age at the time our father left the picture. He knew him a lot better than I did (he was about seven and I was four). I just feel like I'm talking to a stranger when he calls me.

I'm somewhere in the middle. I just had a son of my own. Am I setting a bad example for Benjamin by not trying even harder than I already have? I tell people all the time that the reason The Bio and I don't have a relationship is because he hasn't tried hard enough. Maybe this is just a cop-out. Maybe what I really mean is that I'm too afraid to let his attempts to become closer work. We just got a card in the mail from him congratulating us -- a month late -- on the arrival of Benjamin to the world. It was nice of him and he included a check for $50 which we used to buy Benny a mobile and a little baby gym. Nice gesture, I suppose.

My phone just beeped, signalling that I have a voicemail. It's from him. He was seeing if I received the card and to let me know that he just sent a package out in the mail yesterday. I assume this is either for my birthday -- I turned 23 last week -- or another gift for Benny. Another nice gesture... I suppose.

I wish that this situation didn't have to be so difficult. I never had any desperate longing to have a dad as a child, and I don't really feel that need now. Maybe it was because my brother Bob -- 17 years my senior -- has always been there to fulfill that role. On top of that, I now have a father-in-law that I greatly admire and respect. What could I possibly do with yet another father-like figure in my life?

It all comes down to one plaguing question, though: Am I, in turn, being a bad father by rejecting my own and his attempts to patch up the mistakes he has made?

Genus: Blogga

I'm sitting here pondering something that seems so menial, yet I can't fight the urge to inquire more on the matter from my peers. It's not anything of great importance, but I feel that by knowing I would have a better understanding of these peers and have a way of ensuring they are entertained and want to come back for more.

So what's plaguing my mind, you may or may not ask? I simply want to know one simple thing:

What style of blogging or what types of topics do you want to see here?

Plain and simple. I'd really like to know.

Cursed Mechanical Hands!

I awoke this morning with a ravenous craving to write -- thanks, Dave -- and that feeling hasn't subsided yet. Sadly, I have to be leaving for work in fifteen minutes and I have yet to put on my socks and shoes. Damn you, analog clock! And you as well, digital clock. I plead with you to slow down time just a bit -- or maybe even pause it for a while -- but you reject my requests coldly. Damn you.

Woe is me. I suppose I will have to suffer these writing pangs until my lunch break or after work. *long, drawn-out sigh*