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What do you call a father that was never there? Certainly, you can't call him "Dad." That's a title reserved for someone that was there for you when you were growing up. Someone that -- despite distance and personal problems -- has made a valid attempt to be there for you either in person, over the phone, or by letter. Am I right in that assumption?
I understand that my father is trying to make an attempt now to be "Dad," but I still can't bring myself to call him that. I still have him saved on my phone as "Biological Father." I should probably feel horrible about this, but I don't.
My cell phone just rang. It was him, trying to call while I was at work, but I couldn't answer since I had been helping a customer. I'll call him back later, but it's just strange for me sometimes. This'll be about the ninth time we've talked to each other in the last 18 years or so. Most of these conversations have happened after my mom passed away 4 years ago.
That's another thing that I think keeps me from establishing a closer relationship to this "man." My mom had a huge fear that after she passed away we would all go crawling back to him. Two of my older brothers, Bob and Tom, have already rebuilt relationships with him and make frequent contact. Steve, however, is on the other side of the spectrum. To say my brother loathes our father would be similar to saying that the Taliban midly dislikes the United States. HUGE understatement. I relate this to Steve's age at the time our father left the picture. He knew him a lot better than I did (he was about seven and I was four). I just feel like I'm talking to a stranger when he calls me.
I'm somewhere in the middle. I just had a son of my own. Am I setting a bad example for Benjamin by not trying even harder than I already have? I tell people all the time that the reason The Bio and I don't have a relationship is because he hasn't tried hard enough. Maybe this is just a cop-out. Maybe what I really mean is that I'm too afraid to let his attempts to become closer work. We just got a card in the mail from him congratulating us -- a month late -- on the arrival of Benjamin to the world. It was nice of him and he included a check for $50 which we used to buy Benny a mobile and a little baby gym. Nice gesture, I suppose.
My phone just beeped, signalling that I have a voicemail. It's from him. He was seeing if I received the card and to let me know that he just sent a package out in the mail yesterday. I assume this is either for my birthday -- I turned 23 last week -- or another gift for Benny. Another nice gesture... I suppose.
I wish that this situation didn't have to be so difficult. I never had any desperate longing to have a dad as a child, and I don't really feel that need now. Maybe it was because my brother Bob -- 17 years my senior -- has always been there to fulfill that role. On top of that, I now have a father-in-law that I greatly admire and respect. What could I possibly do with yet another father-like figure in my life?
It all comes down to one plaguing question, though: Am I, in turn, being a bad father by rejecting my own and his attempts to patch up the mistakes he has made?
How Fathers Are Still Being Sidelined
8 months ago
3 comments:
hi. don't know that you want insight on the question you asked, but, here's mine anyway....
you're going to be there for your son and you're going to do a great job, regardless of anything in your past, because you know what it's like to not have a close relationship with your biological father. something happened there that can't be undone in phone calls or packages or cards. they may be nice gestures, but it doesn't change that they're coming from a stranger. this doesn't make you a bad father though, or a bad son, as it doesn't effect your relationship with benjamin. it's kinda just how events played out. good luck.
and sorry that i am, likewise, a stranger offering advice. don't mean to seem like an ass.
We're in the same boat, but you are a bit older than me.
My parents got divorces when I was 4, and I barely remember my father. I notice if I ever bring him up to my mom, which has only been a handful of times my entire life, I never know what to call him, sometimes I say 'father' and sometimes I just call him 'dan' but I have never referred to him as "dad" I have never even spoken to him since I was about 4, not that I have any remember of any conversations. When they divorced my father gave my mom full custody of three kids, and the house, his plan was that my mom couldn't handle it and give us to him. Growing up without much was hard on her, but we made it through, I love my mom more than anything and I have always felt that if I ever got in contact with my father it would really upset me mom.
Now that i've grown up considerably I want to meet him, I know for a fact that my brother and sister, who are older, and have actual memories of this man, want absolutely nothing to do with him.
My mom was adopted, and she was about 48 by the time she found her real mom, some agency was trying to find her, and found a sister, my mom found out that her real mother had passed away years ago from tb, and I knew it broke my moms heart to never have the chance to meet her mother.
But we are two different people. I want to meet my father, not saying I want anything from him. I just want to know where I come from, my other half. I look nothing like my mom, or siblings. I look like this man I haven't seen since I was 4.
I'm sorry this was long. It just really hit close. and I don't really know what I'm getting at. Give your father a chance, he's trying, not very well mind you, but give him a chance.
*hugs for my little benny-boo*
haha sorry for all the spelling mistakes,
who says divorces! haha
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